Over the many years I've been alive I would write in journals, notes, blogs (remember xanga?). I would collect bits and pieces that could work as a way to describe what I like, what I don't like, what I think drives me. So here is why I am the way I am.
I get a sad aftertaste at the end of a trip. I'm left with similar feelings when I finish reading a book. I don't necessarily care what happens at the end of life. I have a photographic memory but only for certain things. I roam empty places and eat in random restaurants. I have spent a lot of time alone in the middle of nowhere. I pay attention to how I present myself.
I once played a song thirty-seven times in one day. I’ll say “I prefer X to Y” more often than “X is better than Y.” I may get nervous in crowds. I believe the pace of technology is damaging. I think people that work in the kiosks in parking garages have the worst jobs. I don’t sing but I know lyrics. I have more legos than you.
I respect people with true independence. I love the smell of fresh cut lawn - it brings back childhood memories. I once played a video game at the professional level. I question a majority of things. I try to not name the people I talk about to someone who doesn’t know them. I use, despite the trouble of it, abstract descriptions like “that friend whose parachute got tangled up with another parachute the time he jumped.”
People laugh at my heavy descriptions. I prefer going to bed to getting up, but I prefer living to dying. I love summer rain. Even if I turn out to be self-employed, I observe the weekend. I am protective of things close to me. I drive faster than most. I do not buy used shoes. I have a scar in the middle of my eyebrows but no one sees it anymore.
Sometimes I realize that what I’m in the middle of saying is boring, so I just stop talking. I embrace change. I don’t know what exactly my career will be anymore. Between the age of 11 and 14 I thought I was gifted with the power to shape the future. Airports are my favorite place to be. I prefer winter over the others. As a child I dreamed of being an architect. I don’t like to ask for directions. I like slow motion because it brings cinema close to photography.
I like talking to people a lot older than me or a lot younger than me. Someone once said you gain more by doing so than with people your own age, I believe it. I write fragments. I describe impressions, I make judgments. I sometimes suffer from the absence of certain people. I am afraid of ending up a bum. I can’t stand to think how fast life is going and that I am not really living it. I wish I knew more about finances and economics. My memories, good or bad, are sad the way dead things are sad.
A friend can let me down but not an enemy. I buy more clothes online. Sometimes I close my eyes, like looking at things hurt. Sometimes I listen to the music I had from when I was 8, it surfaces memories the way that smell of fresh cut grass does. A friend once remarked that I seem glad when guests show up at my house but also when they leave. I like making others laugh. I have regrets. Often, I wish it were tomorrow. The best conversations I ever had date from adolescence. There are a total of 4 years out of my life that are very potent to me, thus far.
When I wake up and can't remember my dream, I wonder where the dream goes. I prefer respect to envy. I once had a real experience with déjà vu, I never forget it. Extremely aggressive drivers bug me. I overanalyze. I tell stories that go off tangent. Numerous choices and possibilities for things make me delayed. There is a slight ringing that numbs my ears - it happens once every day it seems. I despise blatancy. I prefer a ruin to a monument. I try to think more about the future than the past. I have nothing against the alarm clock.
Fifteen years old was the middle of my life, regardless of when I die. I believe there is an afterlife, but not an after death. I used to but I no longer ask, “do you love me?” Only once will I say “I’m dying” without it being a lie. The best day of my life may already be behind me.